Worst Lover I Ever Had

He was actually a psychiatrist.  Talked the whole time.  I didn’t know it was possible to be so bad.

In unrelated happenings, I am getting really small.  I know I am not capable of being skinny and I look huge in my pics.  but  I need a hamburger.  Maybe today.  I am so tired.


Oh that is not inspiring so try this, show up today and do your best.  That is my plan.



So What The Last Post Was Really About…

I did this thing I have never allowed myself to do before.  My main coping skill was pretending this wasn’t happening, although now I see it is as old as time. 

I mean I probably have done it before but not admitted it to myself.   Last week was the first time, I did it on purpose with awareness of what I was doing.  I wanted something, it had to do with work.  I had to go see a big boss.   I wanted his help.  He has been nice to me before, the one time I met him.  I met him with someone else and I got the impression he was more interested in me than the other person but brushed it off, because, like I said, this wasn’t happening.

Denial was just easier.

So this time,  wore the dress in the last post.  There isn’t much to it.  It is soft and filmy and short.  I did not even wear tights.   It felt scary.  Like I was going to be busted, ha  ha. Like he was going to call me out on it.   He didn’t.  He met with me, he told me stories about his wild days and asked me weird but non-sexual questions.

I left feeling confused, unsure if he would help me or not.  I felt like he was testing me, but I am not sure for what.  I also felt very exposed and vulnerable.   Idk.

Idk how I feel about doing that.  Kind of stupid actually, I feel kind of stupid.  That old feeling.

I also noticed, I am a lot more friendly since I started this blog, when I am not feel shame attack.  A little girl saw me today, she was maybe two, maybe younger?  She was so cute, toddling along with her daddy.  She saw me and smiled big and started to wave happily at me.  Ignoring my super hot friend I was standing with.   Babies love boobies.   Sometimes I see people just smile at me.  It is weird.  Sometimes their smiles are just genuine, not scary, not sneery, not leery.  Just happy.  That is kind of nice.  Although I always pretend like I do not notice.   Unless you are a very cute little girl, then  I want to wave back and smile and tell her that she is beautiful.    The other people I respond to, are women I find attractive, I have this urge to be nice to them, to be sweet, because oddly, I feel sorry for them.  I do not feel jealous or competitive, I feel pity. 



Paranoid? Or Oh I Work Out?

I know unflattering, but there is a story behind it.   This is my gym clothes.   I have mentioned before, I belong to two gyms but go to neither.    I really need to do strength training so got up my courage and went.

My gym shirts come in the same sizes as my regular clothes too big or too small.  I picked something that I thought was loose enough and it is.  There is plenty of fabric around my waist and upper torso.   I have a sports bra on here that mashes down my tittage, but still the girls were stretching the limits:

It would have been okay but every time I lifted my arms up the fabric gathered up and wouldn’t slide back down.  I became very self-conscious.  I pulled down on my shirt to smooth it out but then worried I was drawing too much attention to myself.

There was a man that seemed to hover around me and he was kind of chubby so  I thought, maybe he is just telling his wife he is working out and that is why, maybe I am paranoid.   Do men even notice these kind of thing? Maybe  I am making a deal where there is none.

I didn’t know what to do, leave it up or slide it down it seemed either way I was doing it wrong.  Those are pics. of my boo-boos in my sports bra.  Wanting to burst away from its confines.  Here is a pic . if I wore a tight t-shirt with no sportss bra, as if that would happen.  If it did it would look like weird nippley this:

It is weird in that before I started this blog I only liked bra-ed boobs, uniform boobs.  I like soft, askew, even mashed boobs like mine here better.   Oh I could just lift off my shirt here and see them bounce into life.

So again I don’t know what men think.  If I am crazy or not.   I was walking through this really posh neighborhood today that I have never walked through before.  A man, a tourist looking man was walking by me.  He growled.  I was wanting a cigarette very badly.  I don’t normally smoke, but when  I am stressed I do.  He growled to his friend I thought it had nothing to do with me.  I was being paranoid.  In this posh neighborhood, they had no cigarette shops.  I saw a neon sign and looked up at it.  Hoping for cigarettes.  It said “Adult Something” I don’t even know what it said, I got the adult part and kept moving although I saw inside what looked like video cassettes?

Growling man had turned around.   Seeing me notice neon sign, he approached me.  They both came .  He tapped me on the shoulder, “Hey, you wanna go in there with me?  I will buy you something!”  He laughed.  I don’t know what his friend did but he laughed and repeated himself.   “Hey! lets’ go in there, I will buy you a little something!”  I kept walking fast and they didn’t bother me anymore.

I just want to say I was not dressed as a hooker, but actually in very modest clothes.   Four blocks later I found a gas-station and smoked my head off.

I don’t know, am I vain?  Am I paranoid?  Am I lazy?  All I know is it would make my husband very angry.   He would ask what I did to provoke it. Like he always does.  Like everyone always does.

Sorry, to be bitching to you interweb friends again.   I will be cheerful tomorrow.   I promise.

Good And Bad

So everything is a mix right?

Good things:

Feeling sexy vs. sexualized.   Feeling like climbing on my husband and bouncing away in the early morning.  Feeling like I can do this marriage thing.  I can be a person who is monogamous and my body is mine.  My body is not just for whoever wants me.  I can overcome my past.


Bad things:


Feeling like I can’t overcome my past.  Feeling so sexually motivated.   Feeling like I hide away from sexual attention which I do get during the day, and ignore, and then want to act on in the night.   Shame.   Taking my shirt off in front of  a lesbian to get my way.  I had a tank-top on underneath, but still.  Did get my way.

Hearing other women joke about me.   Tonight.


Oh which reminds me of my shovel story.


So me being me, having the troubles I did.  I decided to get really drunk one night and drive around.   This is just one of the many, many stupid things I have done.

I wound up in jail.  Which I deserved.   Part of my sentence though was community service?  Idk, digging a ditch is what it amounted to.   So okay, I never mind digging ditches.  But there was this man there.  I think he saw my tittage.  Because the next thing you know, he is carrying my everything.  He is doing his work and mine.

There was also a woman there.  As big as a mountain.   She started to make comments about how she wanted to hit me over the head with her shovel.  Because she thought I was shirking work.    But I wasn’t.  I felt helpless and scared and the work leader kept saying that he would take me out for drinks after work so I could get another DUI and work for him again.  Which only made mountain woman hate me more.

So yeah, I have been given a lot of things for free.  I have even had men try to buy my fucking groceries.  I have seen them slip their wedding  rings off into their pockets.  It always comes with a price though.  Always.  Shovel to head price.

Which by the way, I went silent for a week or so and lost about half my followers.  Why?  I mean it surprises them I feel shameful? idk.  or I am being punished or paranoid.  Idk.

Weird One

I will be normal later.


I have my right arm lifted above me to take picture but that lopsided?  Really?


I couldn’t make this shit up.